Vox Lucens

And the free airport WiFi that lets me blog about it on the road. Charlotte airport has just hit my “good list” for having free internet.

But I hate USAir. Never have I seen so much ineptitude in one place (actually, multiple places–in the airport, on the plane, and most especially in “customer service”). These writings are not borne of one experience, but a conglomeration, a combination of almost uniformly horrible experiences with the same company that purports to fly people; I have real trouble calling them an “airline.”

But I must admit that being able to sit in my seat and write scathing diatribes makes the flight much more enjoyable. This was tonight’s diatribe. I assure you that it is based on my actual travel experience, in much the same way that Hollywood makes moves that are based on a true story.

***

[To be recited in the driest of monotones.]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard USAir flight 2674 with service to Charlotte, if our navigation system works.

Our flight crew had a long day yesterday, and their union mandated rest, which caused your delay, has apparently done nothing to improve the quality of service that you will receive. As always, it is USAir policy only to hire the most persistent of imbeciles, so I hope that you will bear with us as we cut costs for your comfort.

The cabin is pressurized for your comfort. If you wish to ask the stewardess a question, we would be more than happy to increase the level of pressure in your area, causing your eardrums to experience a certain amount of discomfort until your head ultimately implodes, causing a merciful end to your enjoyment of this flight.

Because this flight is so short, there will be no food or beverage service. Not that you would enjoy the bag of stale pretzels anyway; just so you know. While our competitors all manage to overcome the short flight and serve you the beverage of your choice, we cannot afford both the fuel and the Pepsi, so we decided to go with the fuel.

There are six emergency exits on this plane. In the case of emergency, union requirements mandate that you allow the flight crew out first, so please keep your seatbelts firmly fastened, low and tight, and until either the emergency has passed, or you have.

During this flight, the captain may turn off the fasten seatbelt sign. Our regulations do require that you ignore this action and keep your seatbelt on. If you choose not to, please be advised that our stewardesses would be happy to forcibly show you to an emergency exit. They will even let you go first.

If you just can’t wait to have more time with us, sign up for our frequent flyer program. That way, all this time being miserable will earn you free miserable time later. On the latter, I of course refer to the time you will spend on the phone with one of the disaffected high school students in Manila who would be more than happy to explain how we can’t give you free travel.

On behalf of USAir and the airlines foolish enough to call us partners, enjoy your trip. USAir–taking FAA regulations to unprecedented new heights.

***

OK, OK, so it’s not all bad. I’m going home for Christmas!

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 22nd, 2007 at 7:35 pm and is filed under Humor (?), Travelogue. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.