The Speed Limit of Life
It has often been said that Einstein’s famous equation constitutes the “speed limit of the universe,” which is to say that the speed of light is the fastest anything can go. His amazing theory allows for the theoretical possibilities of all sorts of fun–time warps, for instance, wormholes, and alternate universes.
I’m no physicist, so arguing with these possibilities is beyond the pale of my expertise, but if there can be alternate universes I would argue that there can be alternate theories, and I therefore postulate the following.
The equation being solid, I won’t modify it, but I will assign new values to the variables. Since e=mc(squared), I will designate (e) as “everything” and (mc) as “mega crazy.” According to my theory on life, then, everything = mega crazy multiplied by itself. Under this theory, the closer everything in one’s life gets to the mega crazy (squared) point, the closer one is to the speed limit of life.
Under Einstein’s theory, mass increases the closer one gets to the speed of light. Similarly, the closer one gets to my speed limit of life, the more one’s head feels like it is expanding to the exploding point. And as Einstein’s theory allows for time warps, mine offers tangible proof of the relativity of time, which speeds by ever more quickly the closer one gets to mega crazy (squared). If my theory allowed for instantaneous travel through wormholes, it would be complete.
Now that finals are over, I can sit back and ponder such deep truths. However, my quest to reach the speed limit of life continues: I moved my last final ahead by two days in order to leave momentarily for West Virginia, where my two-fold purpose is to try the art of spelunking and to speak on Remember’s ministry. I shall look forward to sharing these experiences with you, dear reader, and sincerely hope they shall not include stories of my bulk trapped in some subterranean passage.